I don’t believe praying for people changes anything. I agree with Harry Emerson Fosdic, God is not a cosmic bellboy who gets you whatever you want. If praying could change outcomes, then why are some prayers answered and others not? I am sure all mothers pray for the safe return of their sons from war but some men die while others survive. Are not all their prayers worthy of attention from God?

Even though I don’t believe God will give me the things I pray for, I still pray. It keeps me centered and helps me figure out what God expects of me. A few years ago while sitting in my living room chanting a mantra and listening to hymns, God spoke to me and I knew that He wanted me to trust my therapist and accept his help. God wanted me to face my fears, reach out to others and recover from Post Traumatic Stress.

This wasn’t the first time I encountered God. Once when I was in my late teens I stood on a ledge overlooking a canyon in Colorado. I watched an eagle soar. Then I felt it. God was standing there with me even though I didn’t believe in Him. Awe. Eight months later as I sunk into despair and contemplated suicide the knowledge that God was there motivated me to hang on and not give up.

A decade later I encountered God while driving home. I had just dropped my daughter off at dance class. It was a week after a drunk totaled my car and fled the scene of the accident abandoning my children and me. As I drove I was thinking how my children and I could have died and my husband would have been left alone. Who would have cared for him? What if I died and my children survived? Who would mother them? My heart rate and breathing increased. Then in front of me, beyond the line of cars, I saw the sun setting and the sky streaked with pink clouds. In an instant I felt God’s arms embracing the earth and knew after death I would be part of that embrace. I would shelter my family forever. There was nothing to fear.

 

Fr. Lance of All Saints Anglican Church commented on my earlier blog post, “Am I Bashing Churches.” He is concerned about Christians being targeted in the public schools and asked me to comment on it. My first reaction was that was beyond my experience. When I was in school I was a Catholic living in a town that was 75% Catholic. The remaining 25% were either Jewish or Protestant. No one I associated with identified themselves as an atheist or an agnostic. Everyone went to church or temple. Atheists and agnostics were considered evil people that one should avoid.

When I was 16 I left the church and sometime during my first year in college I cease to consider myself Catholic and became one of those “evil people”. That is also the first time I encountered negative attitudes toward Catholics. While standing on the dinner line in my dorm a fellow student called me a papist. I never heard the term before and thought he was ignorant. I was pleased when I heard his roommate smashed his stereo speakers over his head.

I, however, wasn’t free from my own prejudices. It was the early 1970’s and I was heavily involved with the anti-war movement and women’s rights. I called the evangelical Christians Jesus Freaks and avoided them. They were part of the far right that opposed my political agenda. I viewed them as narrow, rigid and intolerant. Later when my children were small I started attending Sunday services at the local Unitarian Universalist fellowship believing them to be a model of tolerance and openness. My children never complained of being bullied by their classmates due to our religious beliefs except once when a neighbor told them our family would be going to hell because we did not attend Catholic mass.

Unitarian Universalism encouraged and supported my religious seeking. Tragically, ten years later when I rediscovered Christianity my fellow congregants had no place for me. My expulsion in 1999 from a Unitarian Universalist congregation was motivated by hostility towards my growing faith in God and Jesus. The Unitarian Universalists were not as tolerant and open minded as they claimed to be.

Apparently the hostility towards Christianity is not confined to the Unitarians Universalists. With the growing tolerance of homosexuality and premarital sex in the schools Christianity is viewed with suspicion and anger. The Biblical injunctions against such behavior are either denied or viewed as ignorant stances from a historical era that is best forgotten. Morality is regarded as relative so individuals should be allowed to do whatever they think is right. People no longer attend church or synagogue regularly. Those that do are the odd balls. If you believe in God and Jesus you can expect to be bullied and ridiculed by your classmates. Teachers who often hold anti-Christian beliefs minimize the harassment Christian students suffer and take no action to stop it.

Teachers, school administrators and parents must take a strong stance against bullying regardless of who the victim is. Bullies need to learn to be more just leaders. Victims need to learn to assert their rights. Bystanders need to bear witness and help the vulnerable.

If you want to learn more about my story please read, Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches.

 

I joined Facebook to market my book, Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches. First, I added my family and current contacts to my circle. That was easy but when Facebook suggested I add classmates from my high school I hesitated. I was never part of the in crowd and was often cruelly treated. Would people who had refused to be my friend 38 years ago really accept my invitation to be friends now? I had little to lose and lots of books to sell so I clicked ‘send invitations’ and went to bed. The next morning my in box was filled with replies. They didn’t remember me. That was okay. I didn’t remember them either. Why would we? Although we shared a hometown and school, we hadn’t seen each other since graduation.

My high school experience was radically different from my classmates who were now corresponding with me on Facebook. Almost every day in high school was a torment. Nothing I did stopped the bullying. In school I focused on my studies and avoided my tormenters. I walked to and from school by myself. At home I spent my afternoons and evenings alone in my bedroom. I didn’t attend school dances, proms, or sports events.

It took several decades and a series of traumatic experiences with local churches before I understood the bullying wasn’t my fault. I was an easy target. Short, introspective and shy, I didn’t know how to defend myself. No one, not my parents nor my teachers, offered any useful advice or help. Some of that was ignorance on their part. Some of it was neglect. My father often told me how stupid and selfish I was. There would be no help from him. My mom wanted me to be popular and had no understanding why I wasn’t.

One of my classmates lives an hour from my current home. Over the holidays I had lunch with her. She told me she was bullied in high school. I didn’t remember that. I had been so caught up in my own misery I hadn’t noticed hers. Sitting at the restaurant we browsed through our yearbook. My classmate identified who she thought had bullied her. I was surprised I couldn’t name my tormenters. Although I have some specific memories of being bullied I have no memory of who the culprits were. I remember vividly the people who showed me a kindness here and there. I figure the rest were either guilty of bullying or were passive bystanders. I was certain most of those who had done the bullying would not remember us nor would they realize how much damage they did. My classmate agreed.

When I arrived home in the late afternoon I found a classmate had written a public apology on Facebook while I was out. I admired his integrity. People rarely apologize for bullying others. At least no one has ever apologized to me. It was a blessing and took some of the sting out of the old wounds.

I was not completely blameless. All of us could have behaved better. There were times I witnessed bullying and did nothing to stop it. I just watched. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid the bullies would turn on me if I said anything. One of the strange blessings of the Columbine shootings is it spurred research into the problem. We understand more about where, when and why people are bullied. Schools have implemented programs to stop bullying. The better ones assist the bullied to build friendships with other children like themselves, teach bullies how to be compassionate leaders and encourages bystanders to stand up for the victims.

Facebook has given us all a chance to redeem ourselves and build a caring, inclusive community. As one classmate wrote, it is like finding long lost family members. We not only went to high school together but many of us knew each other in grade school. Some of us had a blast in high school, others were miserable. If our teachers understood the dynamics of bullying back then as they do now, things might have been different.

Who did what to whom thirty eight years later is not important to me. What matters is how we behave today. We are all saints and sinners. I want to do what God has commanded and let go of the past hurts and move on. I wrote my book, Not of My Making, to inform others about the long term impact of bullying and to help the victims recover, the bystanders take action and the bullies to reform their behavior. This is my survivors mission and what God has called me to do.

My book, Not of My Making, is available from Amazon or directly from www.pluckpress.com

 

Thanksgiving has come and gone. The stores and radios are now completely geared up for Christmas. I resist the messages that spending will bring my loved ones and me happiness. It won’t.

I stopped listening to my favorite radio station when they began playing holiday songs almost exclusively the day after Halloween. I have switched to listening to my iPod where I get to choose the music. Since I don’t have an iPod dock in my bedroom I listen to a Boston radio station that had the decency to wait until Thanksgiving to begin playing Christmas songs interspersed with light rock.

Two years ago before I owned an iPod I turned on the radio to my favorite station before hopping into the shower. As I enjoyed the warm water raining down on my skin Christmas songs intruded into my consciousness. I groaned. I can’t shut off the radio from the shower. Why do they push Christmas when so many people complain that the season is too commercialized and is starting too early? It must make their advertisers happy. They must believe it boosts sales.

As I dried myself off the disc jockeys talked about a group in Vienna that wants to ban Santa Claus because of the American commercialism associated with him. The disc jockeys dismissed the Vienna group without discussing the merits of their argument. One announcer, a New York Jew married to a Catholic, said she enjoys the family part of Christmas. We agree about that.

“It is better than Hanukah,” she said. “You get the whole family over at once instead of being spread out over eight days.”

The other announcer replies, “It is a religious holiday for some.”

Well, yea, I think. It is the commemoration of Jesus’ birth. Why don’t the disc jockeys do more than pay lip service to that? How did Christmas become a secular, commercial holiday?

I take a slow, deep breath and remind myself that this is Advent, not Christmas. With my daughter’s help I set a table of blue, silver and white with an Advent wreath in the center. Each Sunday during Advent we will light the candles and read from the Bible praising and thanking God before we eat. During my morning prayers I will focus on making myself worthy of the Christ whose coming saved my soul.

During Advent and Christmas, I strive to slow down the pace of my life. This keeps me connected to God. I avoid the malls and limit my spending. I look for ways to be kind and generous to others. While listening to Advent music on my iPod I praise God for this blessed day. The sun shines on a cold earth but I am warm and safe in my home. I praise God for blessing me with two healthy children and a grandson who brings joy to my heart every day. I praise God for pen and ink and the heart and mind to use them. I praise God for all that I am and all that I have. I am blessed a hundred times over. Thanks be to God.

 

This past Election Day who were more racist, white men or black men? Why was it more acceptable for blacks to pick a president based on race than it was for whites? Ninety five percent of black voters voted for Obama while only 55 percent of whites voted for McCain. Race appears to have mattered more for blacks than it did whites. Have we really come a long way? Or was it race politics as usual?

If race truly didn’t matter no one would have called a son of a black African and a white mother black. That was the first way race was used in this past election. Obama is not the descendant of American slaves. He is as white as he is black. Culturally, he shares more with white Americans. Raised by his white relatives he attended Ivory League schools. He is as WASP as the power brokers who supported his nomination over Hilary Clinton who won the majority of Democratic votes in the primaries. I wonder what would have happened if Obama’s chief opponent for the nomination had been a white man?

Only after the election did Obama speak the truth. When answering the question about what kind of dog he was going to get for his daughters, Obama referred to himself as a “mutt.” Like my own children he is an European African American who does not share the same heritage as the descendants of American slaves who suffered a few hundred years of oppression.

 

I went skating early this morning along the Ten Mile River Bike Path in Pawtucket. The cool fall weather was perfect for skating and I felt strong. I skated up and down the hills back and forth between Paawtucket and East Providence. After an hour I turned around and started back towards my car. As I approached a small bridge that crosses a stream I thought, this would be a really bad place to fall. There are no guard rails to prevent you from going into the water.

As I skated through the dry leaves I watched a drake and its mate swim away from the bridge. On the other side of the bridge I set my left foot down and pushed through my heel accelerating as I approached the rising slope of the next hill. I glided. I was pleased with my ability to skate well. I set my right foot down. My wheels locked and I was propelled into the air. Before I could react my arms hit the pavement first and I skidded along the pavement toward a fence. Unable to support my weight against the force of the fall my face hit the ground. As I slid I felt my permanent crown and another tooth cave in. Oh, no, I thought, I have ruined my teeth.

I stopped just inches from rail fence sprawled on my stomach with dirt in my mouth. I laid there catching my breath. Slowly I sat up. Blood was dripping from my chin and lip onto my grey sweatshirt. Stunned I stood up as I tried to think what to do. I was at least a mile from my car. Do I wait until someone passes and ask for help? I looked in the direction I was traveling and saw an old man walking towards me. I waited. He looked at me, turned his eyes away and kept walking. Can’t stay here hoping someone will help, I thought. I tried to move off. My wheels wouldn’t move. I sat down again and examined my skates. That’s when I found the stem of an oak leave stuck between the brake and the rear wheel. I removed it and stood up again. I considered removing my skates and walking. No, better to skate, I thought. It will take too long walking in my stocking feet.

I started skating slowly. A couple approached. I looked at them. They kept talking to each other and walking passed me. I sighed. My face ached. I must get myself back to the car and check my face in the mirror. I could feel that one tooth was chipped and my crown was bent. There was a cut on my lip and chin.

I would have to make it back to my car on my own. I skated slowly down the path. I saw a man in an orange velour jacket jogging. When he saw me he stopped, “What happened? Are you okay?”

I stopped and told him what had happened to me.

“Should I call someone?” he asked.

“I’m on my way back to my car,” I replied as I started rolling off.

“I’ll go with you,” the man said as he turned around to jog along side of me. “Did you hurt your head?”

I hadn’t considered that. My head and neck ached. Lucky I didn’t break it, I thought.

“You should call someone,” he said.

“I will call my husband when I get back to the car.” I replied.

“Here take my phone and call him now,” the man said.

I looked at the phone in the man’s hand. “I have my own phone,” I said. “I will call him when I get back to the car.”

“Call him now,” the man said. The man held out his phone.

Confused I reached into my pocket and removed my slim silver phone. I pressed “3”.

“Hi,” my husband said. “How was your skate?”

“I fell,” I told him. “I cut my lip and broke my tooth. I think I broke my implant. A nice man is helping me. He is coming with me to the car.”

“Let me know what happens,” Lyndon said. I could hear the worry and distress in his voice.

“Have your husband meet you at your car,” the man suggested.

“He is an hour away in Worcester,” I replied as I put my phone away.

The nice man jogged along side of me telling me about the hazards along the trail and the accidents he has either seen or heard about. I try to smile but cannot. It hurts too much.

“Twigs can be worse than pebbles,” I tried to explain.

When we reached the turn off to my car he said he would wait until I got in the car. “What’s your name?” I asked as I turned left.

“Jesus,” he said.

“Jesus,” I said as I turned towards the car, “Thank you.”

When I reached my car I saw a man on a bike stop and talk to Jesus who was nodding and gesticulating towards me. I bent down to remove my skates. When I looked up both men were gone.

A friend when she saw my face and heard my story was dismayed that three people did not stop to help me. What was wrong with them, she asked in her blog, The Cookie Momster.

Social psychologists have studied helping behavior. Before bystanders offer assistance they must first recognize that help is needed. Since I didn’t ask for help the three people who passed me by may not have realized help was needed.

Once bystanders realize an emergency exists they have to figure out what kind of help is required and whether they have the necessary resources. Jesus perhaps because of previous training and/or experience recognized I should not be left alone until it was certain that I would not collapse from a more serious and undetected head injury. He also understood that a little emotional support would ease my fear.

As I recovered from my injuries I also thought about the story of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:29 – 37). “Who,” Jesus asked, “was the good neighbor? The one who passed the wounded man by or the one who stopped?”

If we are to be good neighbors to each other we must first want to be the person who offers help to a stranger. Then we must know how to do it. It is impossible to know if the three people who passed by wanted to do the right thing and didn’t know how or if they were indifferent. All we know for sure is that the man who stopped and walked with me was the good neighbor. Ironically, his name was Jesus.

 

I have been asked if I enjoyed writing, Not of My Making. Yes and no. Writing Not of My Making was a lifeboat that I clung to. My very survival depended on it. My former friends had done everything they could to prevent me from telling my story to others. While they were successful within our church community, they couldn’t prevent me from talking to others outside of church nor keep me from writing a book about it. The First Amendment of the United States Constitution protects my right to report the facts and express my opinion. I developed a deeper appreciation for freedom of speech and a greater awareness that without the First Amendment those with more power would silence those weaker and more vulnerable themselves.
In order to write Not of My Making I rearranged my schedule so I would have four hours on Monday mornings to focus on the task. When I first started writing the book I would type until flooded with anxiety. I would then spend the rest of the time curled up on my couch in a fetal position. Eventually as I wrote and processed the events leading to my dechurchings the anxiety became less crippling. I could use the entire four hours plus any other free moment to work on my book.
So the answer to the question is that writing Not of My Making was hard but necessary work. I am glad I did it. The process helped me clarify issues and find my voice. It has also given me a new career. In addition to being a psychologist I am now an author and publisher. I have come full circle. I am now more of myself than I have ever been.

 

My client tells me about the man she is dating. She’s worried. He was sexually abused as a child. “Does that mean he might molest my kids?” she asked.
My throat tightens. I know what she is thinking. All those perps who say they were molested. But that may not be true. It may just be self serving trying to gain the sympathy from the judge and prosecutor. I want to cry. Outwardly I maintain my composure. “No, it’s not true,” I replied. “Survivors are probably less likely to molest your children. They know what it is like to be treated like an object. They are often tormented at the thought of other children suffering what they have suffered.”
My client doesn’t know I am a survivor. I don’t think this is the time for self disclosure so I don’t tell her. I don’t tell her I can’t get out of the starting gate. That people won’t give me a fair chance. With their false claims the perps have re-victimized me and other survivors by making people wary of us. Unknowingly bystanders become the perps’ accomplishes further injuring victims.
I would never hurt a child. I would never do to a child what was done to me. I just want to stop the pain. Just because I was molested doesn’t make me dangerous. The opposite is true. That is why I was so easily victimized. I was small, weak and vulnerable. My parents weren’t able to protect me. When will people stop rejecting me and see the good person that I am?
Somehow all of these myths affirm the higher social rank of people who were never victimized. People often admire the bully and despise the victim. Once victimized you are garbage. You don’t account for anything. Reject. Reject. I hear the taunts from my childhood ringing in my head. I see myself hurrying home from school trying to hide my tears. I just want a place for myself and other survivors. That is why my book is so important. It is a starting point. It is the beginning of educating the public about survivors and helping them find a place without having to hide what was done to them.
God, please, please help me do this. I am so scared.

 

A couple of years ago I was struggling with my memoir, Not of My Making. I knew something was wrong with it. So I read Your Life as Story by Tristine Rainer and used what I learned to revise my book. While I was rewriting my manuscript I learned a local college was offering a four session class on Saturday as part of their continuing education program. With some trepidation I signed up.
Attending the class was a bit of a stretch for me. I had become mildly agoraphobic following my dechurchings. But writing my book was important enough for me to risk joining a class of complete strangers. I decided I would sit in the back of the class removed from everyone. When I arrived I was relieved to find a small lecture hall with desks on risers. I climbed to the top row and took a seat. From that vantage point I could hear and see everyone in the class while remaining isolated. I relaxed a little.
A thin, young woman with black hair entered the room. “Don’t get too comfortable,” she said. “I am going to find a better classroom.” She then left. I hoped she would be unsuccessful. I felt safe where I was. The young woman returned and told us to go upstairs to the room directly above us. I waited for everyone to collect their things and file out before I stood up and followed. The new room appeared smaller. The chairs were arranged in a circle. It would be difficult to be invisible there.
The young woman returned and introduced herself as Hannah R. Goodman. First, she said, we needed to warm up. She asked us all to take off our shoes and stand with our eyes shut. She then led us through a guided meditation. What was I getting myself into, I wondered. I felt uncomfortable. I took some deep breaths. After the meditation Hannah asked us to sit down and write. Several people had trouble with this.
“Write what?” someone asked.
“Whatever you want,” she said.
After approximately five minutes, Hannah asked us to share our “warmups.” This wasn’t what I had expected. My heart rate increased. I looked around the room to see if escape was possible. I would have to walk across the room in front of everyone. Hannah said we could pass if we wanted to. I considered this but I was there to learn, wasn’t I? I took a deep breath and read. It wasn’t so bad. Hannah made some positive comments about everyone’s work.
Hannah then began talking about writing from the body. I groaned. It sounded like a strange mix of yoga and New Age mumbo jumbo. This is hokey. I won’t be coming back, I thought. But I am not the type to waste my money. I wanted to get everything I was promised. So I returned. During the second class I noticed my writing had improved. Something about Hannah’s enthusiasm and acceptance of everyone’s writing had fostered positive growth. So I completed the class and kept signing up every time it was offered. When the college discontinued their continuing education program I hosted a four session class at my house but there wasn’t enough interest to keep the group going. Several weeks after the class ended I received an email from Hannah announcing the start of Saturday classes at the East Bay Chamber of Commerce in Warren, RI. It was the same distance from my home as the college but in the other direction. I signed up immediately.
WheneverI take a class with Hannah I write more often and my skills improve. Her energetic and provocative style challenges and inspires me. Instead of looking for talent she assumes everyone can learn to write well and everyone has something important to say. I hired Hannah to do a content edit of Not of My Making. One of the first things she noticed was that I hadn’t chosen what voice to write my book in. Parts of the book were written in the detached professional style that had been fostered in graduate school while other parts taken from my journal were more emotional. Hannah encouraged me to write in my own voice and to show not tell. It took me a year and a half to finish the recommended revisions but I now have a book that I am proud of.
Thanks, Hannah. You are a great writer instructor, editor and friend.

 

Recently my writing instructor asked everyone to reflect on what their rules for writing were. Some of those rules hinder writing while others encourage it. Most of my rules have been helpful.

  • 1. Use your journal to vent feelings, process thoughts, practice writing skills etc.
  • 2. Never destroy anything you have written in your journal. You can’t predict when you might have a use for it.
  • 3. Don’t edit while writing your first draft.
  • 4. Record the date and time of each journal entry.
  • 5. Don’t worry about who is going to read your journal entry or what you are going to do with it. You can decide that later.
  • 6. Always travel with your journal but if you forget it, then use any piece of paper. You can always glue it into your journal later.
  • 7. Cross out or scribble or curse if you feel like it.
  • 8. Keep writing until you feel satisfied.
  • 9. Start your book or piece at the easiest point. You don’t have to start at the beginning. I started Not of My Making in what is now the middle of the book, went back to the beginning and then wrote the end.
  • 10. Don’t be afraid to adapt and change with circumstances. Before the birth of my grandson I would have suggested you set a specific time to write each week or day. I would have also said to turn off the television and find a quiet, private place. Now I agree with Hannah, my writing instructor,

“Don’t wait for the perfect moment to write.”

I am now learning to write even when I am watching my grandson or my husband is watching sports or even while I am cooking.

Some final tips: I like to use different color pens for writing assignments, letters, spiritual entries, summaries etc. I also use a highlighter to mark key words and/or I title an entry after I have written it. When I am looking for something specific in my journal it makes it easier to find.

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