Have I Forgiven?
Last Wednesday, August 12, Wayne Kent, a radio talk show host from Decatur, Illinois, interviewed me. His show, Direct Line, is designed as a live call-in event where current events are discussed through a lens of spirituality. Rev. Kent asked thoughtful questions about the impact of abuse on my life and what it was like to be cast out of my church family. I especially appreciated his own honesty when he admitted to bullying a classmate. To his credit as an adult he attempted to find her and apologize.
Time, of course, is at a premium on radio. The interview was like trying to talk to someone riding a bicycle faster than I could run. I could keep up only so long before they pulled away from me. With only a few minutes to make my point I found myself striving for a good sound bite when I prefer a longer conversation.
After discussing the impact of the abuse and what motivated my attackers, Rev. Kent asked if I forgave my adversaries. Whenever this question is asked I feel sick to my stomach. It churns acid. My arms are pinned to my side and I have trouble breathing. “I don’t know,” I told Rev. Kent.
I wish I had said, why do you ask me that question? If you read Not of My Making you would know I never sought revenge. I wanted reconciliation but my efforts only increased their abusive behavior towards me. I was powerless and terrified. During the church conflict my adversaries berated me for attending church before forgiving them while they insisted they had done nothing wrong. Fr. Lance at my present church has said they were seeking absolution which wasn’t mine to give.
While I remain confused about the difference between forgiveness and absolution, it appears to me forgiveness to my adversaries meant never talking about what happened. They expected me to come to church and act as if everything was still the same between us. I was, however, never good at pretending. I wanted to resolve our differences. The only way I knew how to do that was to discuss the issues that divided us.
Christians often rush to forgiveness believing that will heal everyone’s wounds. They crave stories of redemption. Since perpetrators rarely admit their sin and repent, Christians focus on getting victims to forgive.
Have you forgiven? The question leaves me flustered and unable to make a clear reply. Forgiven who and for what? What do you mean by forgiveness? Writers define it differently. No wonder I don’t know if I have forgiven them or not.
What I can tell you is I never sought revenge. I had a few fantasies of the church blowing up or burning down but I never planned to get even. Instead I tried to get my adversaries to discuss what happened. I was desperate for them to understand me. They were my friends. I wanted them to listen. I wanted to fix things. I wanted them to remain my friends. I would have done almost anything to regain my place in the church except lie. I wasn’t going to be untrue to myself. It was my former friends who sought revenge by driving me out of the church.
So have I forgiven them for that? Geoffrey Robinson, a Catholic bishop, wrote in Confronting Power and Sex in the Catholic Church, that he has found survivors who say they haven’t forgiven yet who by his definition have. Perhaps I am one of those. I don’t know. When I consciously chose not to excuse what my former friends did to me and stopped seeking reconciliation I healed and moved on. I will leave it to God to judge whether I have forgiven or not.
August 18th, 2009 at 3:08 am
I think that forgiveness – as an action – tends to close things down too soon, when we would rather have dialogue (or one side would have dialogue). Because it goes down exclusively from the emotional point of view; it tends to preserve the relationship. (I point this out from my reading about relational aggression especially: for young ones, especially, anything to preserve the relationship or have peace).
It is a shame that the radio interviewer missed the point that you did not seek revenge, but rather reconcillation. It was good for him to be honest about bullying a classmate and put his changed feelings/heart into action.
I tend to distinguish forgiveness as an action and as a feeling. I do not know what Biblical forgiveness would be. Yes, leaving it to God is a good idea. Forgiveness – no matter who does/asks for it – is a change in the heart, which goes beyond habits. And your choice not to excuse your former friends is that kind of change of heart. (How could you excuse the seeking of revenge, anyway?)
Discussion works if the people do what they do from logic and there is a common understanding.
August 18th, 2009 at 7:06 am
Thank you, Adelaide, for your comment. I agree rushing to tell someone you forgive them and agreeing not to discuss what they did or did not do to you may preserve the relationship initially. However, unresolved issues tend to go underground and erodes mutual trust and understanding. Instead of growing closer you grow apart. Peace is bought at a price. If you read Not of My Making you will discover I needed my friends to comfort me while I grieved and remaining silent about their betrayal was not emotionally possible. The decision not to excuse their behavior was as you write “a change of heart” which empowered me and helped me to move on.
August 18th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
Boy…I, like you, like to have time to flesh out the information and answer the questions. I would hate being limited to little sound bites.
Forgiveness is a tough question. Just how does one determine whether full and true forgiveness has taken place? I have no real answers, but I can share what it means for me. I see forgiveness as being on two levels. One is the level where I set myself free by not holding on to what was done to me. I give up my right to be judge, jury and “punisher”. I trust that Yahweh/God will take of all that.
On another level, there is what the Bible talks about when it says that if a person respents, we are to forgive. Repentance means they acknowledge what they have done and come to me…asking for forgiveness. I think of Luke 17:3-4. they need to repent. They need to ask.
That did not happen with you. They did not acknowledge. They did not repent. They did not ask for forgiveness. So, level two forgiveness is out of the question. I do think, however, that you did end up with level 1. At what point…I don’t know. But as you wrote…you did not seek revenge…you sought reconciliation. I find it difficult to believe that anyone can seek reconciliation if they are harboring unforgiveness in their heart. Of course, I could be wrong.
I also agree that forgiveness should not be rushed. I know that I need to take the time to really recognize all the ways that the person’s actions/words effected me. How can I forgive when I don’t even know what all I am forgiving? I have to be able to recognize on some level the extent of the damage done to me before I can honestly forgive.
Of course, sometimes the realization comes in stages. I forgive what I understand. As my understanding of how deep things go expands…then I may need to forgive for this new level of understanding also. I hope I am making some kind of sense here. Please feel free to ask me any questions. This is probably a discusssion that could be tackled from different angles.
August 19th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Wow…have you forgiven? What a difficult subject. How on earth do you really determine this?
Personally, I see forgiveness as being on two levels. One level is the one that sets me free. It is where I let go of my “right” to be judge, jury and punisher. I leave them in the hands of Yahweh/God…and move on with my life.
The other level is what is mentioned in the scriptures in Luke 17:3-4. That tells me to forgive if the person repents and asks for it. To me…that sounds like the person has to acknowledge it. They cannot ask me to forgive something they refuse to acknowledge. It reminds me of my father who expects me to be forgiving…yet who has never acknowledged any abuse.
As to whether or not I have forgiven…I wonder if being able to think about what has happened without getting angry is an indication of forgiveness? Or is that just an indication of moving on? Could the two things be connected?
I like what you said, Margaret, about not seeking revenge. Is it possible to not seek revenge, or want revenge, and yet not forgive? I think it is. However, you also wanted reconciliation. I don’t see how one can want reconciliation unless one either has forgiven or is at least willing to forgive.
Tough question to have to answer…especially when put on the spot. I, too, like to have time to really think about my answers. Not sure how I would do in an interview. My hat’s off to you! I think you are brave.
August 19th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
One Survivor, What if you never believed you have a right to be judge, jury and punisher but didn’t realize you were being bullied and wronged by someone? I think my adversaries rushed to judgment and then punished me by exclusion and refusing to tell me what they thought I had done wrong.
I have read many different opinions about whether God expects us to forgive someone who remains unrepentant. I certainly believe if any of my adversaries came to be and offered a sincere apology I would have to accept it and respond with kindness.
Not feeling angry any more about someone’s betrayal, is that forgiveness or just apathy? Doesn’t moving on mean not seeking revenge and going about your life no longer dwelling on the betrayal?
I was always willing to forgive. I didn’t blame them at first. I thought they were duped by a 16 year old and if they sat down and talked to me we could work it out. But my adversaries didn’t want to reconcile. Motivated by jealousy and hate they wanted me gone.
My understanding of Jesus’ command that we forgive is that we don’t seek revenge, we treat our enemies with compassion and attempt to reconcile.
August 20th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Interesting thought. I think I probably miss-stated that a bit…which is an easy thing to do for me…LOL. I think what I was trying to say is that the first level is where I am not dwelling on it anymore.I am not harboring resentment even though nothing is really resolved. Does that makes sense? It really has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me and my attitudes.
Where it involves them is if they can see and admit what they have done…AND be sorry for it…feel badly for how they treated me and made me feel…for their actions toward me. Even then…if they ask forgiveness and I verbally give it and really do try to mean it in my heart…how do I know that I have truly forgiven? I can make the choice, but it may take a long time for the feelings to follow.
Someone once described it as being like a train. When you make the decision, the train starts to pull out of the station, but it might be along time before that last car clears the station. I thought that made a lot of sense.
I have been thinking about how they got duped and have been wondering why that is. Not being inside their heads I can’t really know for sure. But I wonder if his being a foreigner had anything to do with it. What I mean is this…was there some kind of status they felt by being his “friend”…or by being his “mentor” or whatever it was they saw themselves as? Maybe they wanted to feel like they were his rescuers…as if he even needed any! Maybe it was just his personality?
I know of people who just seem to have so much charisma and an ability to almost charm people. It can be difficult to see through them, although some of us can. It always amazes me. Personally, after observing people like that…my ex included…I think that there is something the “duped” people are getting from the situation or from the person…something they want or need on some level. It could be strokes…status…even physical things like the drugs they got from my ex. I think they choose to be duped. That is why I wonder about all those people being duped by your foster son.
Anyway…I appreciate what you wrote. Thank you for your response. I got a lot out of your book and hope that many others are, too.
August 21st, 2009 at 8:16 am
One Survivor, your first level sounds like the natural healing process to me. With time you no longer obsess about the perceived wrong. The victim must resolve and accept the presence of evil in the world. It is similar to when you grieve a death. At first that is all you can think about but eventually you think about the loss less and less. Anger and resentment finally gives way to acceptance. In cases of complicated bereavement the bereaved never move to acceptance. Often it is because they lack a spiritual core and are terrified of dying. Neither process can be rushed.
During the above process about the only thing you can actively choose is whether to act on your feelings of rage and betrayal. Do you try to get even? Seeking revenge only prolongs the healing process.
If someone comes to you asking forgiveness and is sincere, then you morally must give the person a chance to make restitution and reform their behavior. So if one of my adversaries calls and asks to speak with me, I think forgiveness bounds me to hearing them out and trying to resolve the conflict with them. I am not to behave in ways that harm them.
As far as the event recorded in my book, Not of My Making, people who charm others play on the hopes and desires of others. Con artists for instance play on someone’s desire to be rich. My adversaries saw my foster son as this innocent boy who through the grace of God miraculously survived genocide. He played on their religious beliefs and their belief in a just world. They did not recognized that in surviving genocide my foster son had to do some horrible and unspeakable things such as participating in torture executions. Did they choose to be duped? I think they chose not to look too closely at what happened. If they did they would have to admit their own gullibility and culpability. They would also have to accept that the world is not just.
Thank you for your continuing support as I seek to end spiritual abuse in our churches and make them safe places for all.
August 21st, 2009 at 8:31 am
You are welcome. It sometimes feels like an upward climb.
Yeah…not looking too closely…that is what I meant by choosing to be duped.
I think you are spot on about the reasons for not looking too closely at what happened…not wanting to admit their own gullibility.
The sad thing is…all of us are capable of being fooled at some time. We all have our blind spots…so why not just admit we are human and that we got fooled? Is it that much of a pride issue? Do we have to insist that we are unlike others and always able to see the truth in every situation? What a sad way to live.
Thanks for your dialog. Keep on keeping on.